"Superboat"
Seinfeld Episode
Written by Sid Berger, Eric Berger, Todd Berger
c copyright 1996, Sid Berger
"Superboat" - Seinfeld Episode
1 INT. MONK'S - DAY
Jerry and George are ordering lunch. Jerry orders a coke, George orders
an iced tea.
GEORGE
So today's the day.
JERRY
Yep. I've made a decision. The something something in common just isn't
there. So why perpetuate the facade of a relationship, if we're not on the
same ship?
So, in one hour, I'm going to Lana's and tell her it's not working.
That's it. No looking back. Total closure. Move on with my life.
GEORGE
Masterful.
JERRY
I am the master.
GEORGE
Decisive.
JERRY
I've decided.
GEORGE
That's remarkable. At this very moment you're as committed as I've ever
seen you, and it's to a lack of commitment.
JERRY
Well, at first I really really wanted it to work, she's so beautiful.
GEORGE
She is beautiful.
JERRY
She's bright.
GEORGE
Bright as they come.
JERRY
But we can't find anything we both like. I like classic rock, She likes
alternative. I like beach vacations, she likes mountains. I like trashy
TV, and as far as I know she only watches documentaries and an occasional
Wheel of Fortune.
GEORGE
Movies?
Jerry points to himself.
JERRY
New stuff.
Jerry points away.
JERRY
Classics.
George nods in sympathy
GEORGE
lack and white?
Jerry nods.
Lunch is delivered. The Coke has a straw; the tea does not. George looks
perturbed for a few seconds.
GEORGE
Do you see this? You got a straw, I didn't.
JERRY
Yeah, you got tea, I got a soda.
GEORGE
Yeah, but why is that? Soda drinkers always get the straw. Tea drinkers
- never! I don't care what restaurant is is. Soda gets straw, tea doesn't.
Why is that? They cost the same. But I have to make an extra request if
I want a straw.
JERRY
Maybe it's because you get free refills, so I get the straw.
Elaine enters and they exchange hellos.
JERRY
I thought you had to work today.
ELAINE
I do, but I found out I'm going to be the only one in the building and I
hate to be the only one in the building. So I was thinking, that if I brought
my computer home I could work there.
GEORGE
(half curious, half jealous) They gave you a laptop?
ELAINE
(somewhat reluctantly, and coyly)
No.
JERRY
If I can venture where this is going - you'd like George and I to move your
desk model multi-component computer system from your office to your apartment
so you don't have to be the only one working in your building this weekend.
Elaine facetiously lights up as if Jerry had a great idea she hadn't thought
of.
GEORGE
(to Elaine, shifting the subject).
Let me ask you something. Have you ever noticed, in a restaurant, that when
a person orders a soda it comes with a straw, automatically, but when another
person orders iced tea it never does? Why is that?
Elaine looks at Jerry for some clarification of this out-of-the-blue question
and Jerry discretely gives a "you-know-George" look.
JERRY
(to Elaine)
You know, you'd really be doing me a big favor if you'd let me bring your
computer from your office to your apartment so you don't have to be the
only one in your building. It's Saturday, I have no life and I've been worrying
that another weekend would pass by without anything to enter in my diary
for the weekend.
Elaine beams.
GEORGE
Well, even though my Saturdays are customarily devoid of anything worthy
of even remembering, I'll have to pass. I have to go to my office and print
out a report that they suddenly need first thing Monday morning- and there's
no building access on Sunday. They can't tell me this before Friday afternoon.
No, they have to wait till 430, when the system's down, to give me the "first
thing Monday morning deadline. So I have to go today.
JERRY
So, you learned how to work the printer?
GEORGE
No. That revelation has not yet come to me. That's why I'm allowing all
day. You know me and computers. They must read some electromagnetic vibrations
from me and go comatose. Never seen anything like it.
ELAINE
Where's Kramer?
JERRY
Mr. Kramer, it seems, is a winner in the "Jujubes End flap Sweepsteaks"
and went to the post office to pick up his prize.
GEORGE
People really win in those things?
JERRY
It would seem people do indeed.
GEORGE
(poorly concealing his envy) What did he win?
JERRY
He doesn't know.
GEORGE
He doesn't know?
ELAINE
What could you win from a Jujubes contest? A gummy Mini van?
JERRY
Well, whatever it is it fits in a post office box?.
GEORGE
Why did he take the bus? He has a car.
JERRY
Energy Conservation Weekend or something. You know Kramer.
2 INT. POST OFFICE - DAY
Kramer is signing for his package. He looks for an empty counter and immediately,
wildly unwraps it, almost knocking someone over in his frenzy.
KRAMER
Ooh! "Super boat - Self-inflating Three-person Boat". Heyaaahhh!
Other postal patrons don't share his enthusiasm, and Kramer leaves, slightly
indignant, slightly embarrassed.
3 INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE - DAY
Several employees are standing at a doorway looking in. George walks up
to one at the back of the crown and starts to ask him the straw/soda question.
GEORGE
Wally, let me ask you something. If two people are at a restaurant and one
orders a soda and one orders iced tea...
Before he can finish the question, he becomes distracted and curious about
what the other are interested in.
GEORGE
What's going on?
WALLY
That's Adrian, the new receivables clerk. She's a whiz on the computer and
got all these great screen savers. She just made me a copy of one. Instead
of those flying toasters, it's a flying white Ford Bronco being chased by
flying LAPD cars. It's a riot.
Wally turns back to the crowd. George notices how attractive Adrian is and
pushes his way to the front of the crowd. The two make TV-magical eye contact.
George is smitten. When he notices she's still making copies of the screen
saver for other employees, he asks for one for himself, obviously just to
meet her.
GEORGE
Hi, I'm George Costanza, I work in management.
ADRIAN
Hi, Adrian Salk.
GEORGE
Could I get one of those too. I usually design my own screen savers, but
...
Wally overhears this.
WALLY
Design your own? You can't even...
GEORGE
(cutting him off)
I just think that's a hoot. And I have a few that I'll have to bring by
a show you someday.
ADRIAN
I'd love to see those. Anytime you want, do drop by.
4 INT. LANA'S APARTMENT - DAY
LANA
Hi, Jerry.
JERRY
Hi, Lana.
LANA
Well, what's up? You sounded so peculiar on the phone.
JERRY
Lana.
Lana notices Jerry is wearing the sweater she gave him.
LANA
Hey, the sweater fits!
JERRY
(launching into his prepared breakup speech)
Lana. When we first met ...
Something catches Jerry's eye. It's a Superman clock on the TV.
JERRY
Hey, I never saw that before.
LANA
Yeah, I got it today at a flea market. Isn't it great. I think it was designed
after the George Reeves more than the comic book Superman.
JERRY
(Curious about this particular interest and probing her) So, you like superman?
LANA
Oh, I love the whole Superman lore! Clark Kent, who spends every working
day with Lois Lane can't reveal the man she has such deep romantic feelings
for is really himself. Oh, I've seen every TV show, every movie lots of
time.
JERRY
This is great! I love Superman! That pesky Jimmy Olsen, that exasperated
Perry White.
BOTH
(simultaneously)
Great Caesar's ghost!
JERRY
Hey, Superman the Movie is playing at the matinee at the Paradise this afternoon,
wanna go.
LANA
Wow! I was gonna ask if you wouldn't mind doing the same thing.
JERRY
I've gotta help Elaine with her computer but I'll be back at 3. Ok?
LANA
Great. I can't get over how much we have in common.
Jerry smiles awkwardly as he exits.
5 INT. CROWDED CITY BUS - DAY
The bus is crowded and Kramer has to stand. He obviously can't wait to enjoy
his prize, and starts peeking and poking in the box. Suddenly, with a loud
hiss, the boat begins to inflate, immediately becoming an awkward situation
on the crowded bus.
6 EXT. BUS - DAY
The bus comes to a sudden stop as Kramer and the fully inflated boat are
evicted.
7 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Hearing a load clattering in the hall outside the apartment, Jerry opens
the door to have Kramer and the still-inflated boat fall into the room.
JERRY
Well, it's bigger than a postal box.
ELAINE
What is that?
KRAMER
(proudly)
This... is "Super boat" - a self-inflating three-man boat. It's
what I've always wanted.
ELAINE
Three-MAN boat? I beg your pardon. Three women could fit in and maneuver
this boat just as well as three men.
As she examines more closely, she discovers it's actually labeled a three-"person"
boat.
ELAINE
Well, someone was politically correct. It's a "three-PERSON" self-inflating
boat.
JERRY
Kramer, are you sure that this can fit three persons? It looks kind of small.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah! It's lot bigger on the inside than you think. Just like a house.
Always looks bigger on the inside than it does from the outside.
JERRY
Ah, yes. I can see the galley from here. Right next to the crew's quarters,
isn't it?
KRAMER
Well, we'll just see how big it really is. Come on get in.
JERRY
I don't think so.
ELAINE
In here?
KRAMER
Sure. I'm the captain., I'll get in front.
Elaine and Jerry reluctantly, and very awkwardly climb in.
KRAMER
See. Three persons fit right in.
JERRY
(with his knees under his chin) I could see doing white water like this.
ELAINE
It is bigger than I thought.
KRAMER
It's Super boat!
JERRY
(fidgeting)
You say that because you don't have car keys in your pocket.
There's a knock at the door, Jerry reaches over and opens it. It's the electric
company man. He's at a loss to see the three of them sitting on the floor
in the boat.
ELECTRIC WORKER
Uh, excuse me. I'm with Con Ed and we're investigating reports of power
failures in this grid. Have you noticed anything peculiar?
JERRY
Peculiar? Why nothing peculiar here. Now close the door before you let all
the water out!
The electric company man hurriedly closes the door.
KRAMER
Hey, lets giver her a try. In the water. Right now. The maiden voyage of
Super boat.
Jerry flops his legs over the side.
JERRY
Well, part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. Why don't you give her
a trial run first.
ELAINE
(glad she has an excuse, feigning disappointment)
I've got to get my computer and bring it home. I have a lot of work to do.
KRAMER
(pleading)
Oh, come on. At least come watch me. I need a ride.
JERRY
Well all I have is the car this weekend. Trailer's in the shop.
KRAMER
It's inflatable. I'll deflate it now and reinflate it in the park.
ELAINE
(correcting Kramer)
Superboat's a self-inflating three-person boat.
KRAMER
Well, uh, I sort of... lost the self-inflating canisters on the bus. But
I can blow it up in no time! I got the lungs.
JERRY
(to Elaine, looking for agreement)
I guess we could just pick up your computer on the way back from the park.
Kramer salutes.
8 INT. MONK'S - DAY
George is alone in a booth, talking to the waitress
GEORGE
So, if I was to order a Snapple, which is like a tea, but it's like a soda...
would you bring it with or without a straw?
9 EXT. THE PARK ON THE EDGE OF THE LAKE - DAY
Jerry, Elaine and Kramer enter, approaching the edge of the lake. Kramer
starts blowing into the boat.
JERRY
Well you couldn't ask for a better day for a christening.
ELAINE
We should have brought a bottle of champaign!
JERRY
Slurpee man's right over there. I think a slurpee is to a three-man inflatable
boat what a bottle of champaign was to the Queen Mary.
ELAINE
Kramer. How's it coming?
Kramer seems to be making very little progress, and is running out of breath
already.
KRAMER
It's coming. It's coming
Jerry and Elaine begin to make mocking small talk about the lake.
ELAINE
Sure is calm.
JERRY
Sure is. Like glass.
ELAINE
Glass.
JERRY
Not a white cap to be seen.
ELAINE
Sail here often?
JERRY
You know this is the only one of the seven seas that I haven't tackled.
Fear of the great white whale keeps me on the shore.
They finally have to acknowledge that Kramer's not getting anywhere.
JERRY
Say skipper, much as we'd like to see the maiden voyage, maybe we could
wait and catch the more experienced streetwise voyage next time.
ELAINE
I really have to get my computer home and start working.
Kramer, realizing himself that he's getting nowhere, and too out of breath
to even speak, nods them on.
Jerry and Elaine exit as Kramer keeps puffing.
10 INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Elaine is working away on the computer when suddenly the power goes out.
She's calls the super who tells her that it's a serious short caused by
a series of power surges they've been experiencing, and will take all evening
to fix. Frustrated, she calls Jerry and begs him to come get her and the
computer and take them to his apartment.
11 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
Elaine is at the computer, Jerry enters from the bedroom commenting at how
nice he was for playing computer taxi. Kramer bursts in soaking wet.
JERRY
Look's like Super boat let somebody down.
ELAINE
You didn't sink Super boat?!
KRAMER
She never hit the water.
JERRY
(getting him a towel)
Well, one of you sure hit the water.
KRAMER
Well, it was taking so long to inflate by mouth, I talked the balloon clown
into letting me use some of his helium. So I stuck the boat on the valve,
and couldn't get it off! And I couldn't turn off the valve. The helium wouldn't
stop and Super boat just kept getting bigger and bigger and ... Jerry, it
was enormous! It was... frightening. Everybody started running and screaming.
Like a Japanese monster movie.
ELAINE
Did it explode?!
KRAMER
No, it finally popped off and floated into the air. Like a Macy's balloon!
I jumped up to try and grab it and came down fright in the lake. It's gone.
I tried to follow it but it got away.
ELAINE
Super boat is gone?
KRAMER
Gone.
JERRY
So, life is not a bowl of Jujubes, ey, Skipper?
George enters passing Kramer exiting, standing out of his wet way as Kramer
exits.
GEORGE
(excitedly)
Jerry, I just met the most fascinating girl. She's bright, she's cute, she
finds me interesting.
ELAINE
Uh, George. Aren't we forgetting something?
GEORGE
(puzzled, thinking she missed her "hello")
Uh, oh, hi Elaine.
ELAINE
George! Does the name "Susan" ring a bell?
GEORGE
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!! Jerry. What have I done? One second of eye contact,
one glimmer of interest by a beautiful woman and I'm transformed into the
old, single, affection-starved George Costanza. I'm like Jekyll and Hyde.
It's like I've been in a time machine for the past forty-five minutes.
JERRY
Well, you must learn to control these episodes, my friend. Got to keep Mr.
Hyde in check. You're betrothed.
George, still overcome by his blunder, notices the computer.
GEORGE
Hey, what's this?
JERRY
Oh, that's the computer Elaine brought home to her apartment which had a
power failure... Need I say more.?
GEORGE
(excited again)
Oh, try this. It's a new screen saver. It's hysterical. Wait'll you see
this. It's a riot.
Elaine takes the disk and inserts it.
ELAINE
(still scolding George)
You know George, if Susan found out you did this, this could jeopardize
the whole engagement.
GEORGE
I can't believe... I just lost all consciousness of the situation.
Elaine hears a strange laugh coming from the computer and turns to it.
ELAINE
What?!
(reading from the screen) "Welcome to Doctor Amoeba's Silicon Death
Valley. Say, 'Bye, bye' to your data."
George, where did you get that disk?!
GEORGE
(realizing his error, sheepishly)
From the new girl.
ELAINE
From a girl you just met!
GEORGE
(defensively)
She's supposed to know a lot about computers. I trusted her to know what
she was doing.
ELAINE
Doesn't she have a virus protector?! This is shareware!
GEORGE
(searching for an acceptable excuse)
She said she got it off the internet.
JERRY
George, with shareware, you have to be careful. You're not just sharing
your ware with with that person, but your sharing your ware with everybody
that person ever shared that ware with before you and everyone they shared
their ware with!
ELAINE
Now how am I going to get my work done? This is due Monday and this computer
won't do a thing.
GEORGE
Jerry has a computer.
ELAINE
This is a custom program. Besides I can't get it unstuck enough to even
copy anything.
JERRY
Wait... Listen. That laugh. I know that laugh.
(Clenching his teeth)
Newman.
ELAINE
Newman!
Kramer bursts into the room.
KRAMER
Hey, what's up?
ELAINE
George put a virus in my computer and now it says I've lost everything.
It was shareware!
KRAMER
Shareware? You didn't use protection? George, don't you know you can't just
go around sharing your disk with anyone you meet and not expect any consequences
if you don't use protection? Think, man!
Kramer examines it the screen. He jumps when he recognizes the laugh.
KRAMER
You know, all may now be lost. I happen to know a hacker who's cleaned up
a few viruses in his time, even the famous "Granada Grenade."
GEORGE
(at the fridge, getting a drink)
The "Granada Grenade". Sounds like a fruit drink.
(muttering to himself)
I bet you'd get a straw with that.
KRAMER
On the contrary. In '94 the "Granada Grenade" was the most lethal
of all the computer viruses. Within two seconds of clicking into a disk
drive, BAM! Total freeze-up!
ELAINE
And you know someone you think can fix this?
What do I do!
KRAMER
We'll just take the hard drive over right now and have him fix it. He owes
me a favor anyway.
GEORGE
(pulling Kramer on the side) Kramer, let me ask you something. Why is it
what when two or more people order beverages, one orders iced tea, one orders
soda, the soda always, always gets a straw automatically?...
Fade to black.
12 EXT. SIDEWALK ON THE WAY TO THE MOVIE - DAY
Jerry and Lana are strolling hand in hand.
LANA
When I was little I always thought that if the Lois in the TV series had
really wanted she could have proved that Clark was Superman. I could just
imagine the look on everyone's face when she finally proved that the man
she first named Superman is working right in her office.
JERRY
Well, they had to save something for Superman the Movie 4.
(politely correcting her)
And his Earth parents were the ones who named him Superman before he left
home.
LANA
(very casually and confidently)
No, Lois named him.
JERRY
No. I'm sure it was his Earth parents.
LANA
No, he was still just Clark Kent when he left home. Lois first used the
name "Superman" in an article about his first exploit... and it
stuck.
JERRY
(starting to get annoyed)
Earth parents.
LANA
Lois.
JERRY
Earth parents!
LANA
Lois!
JERRY
(getting very frustrated, but thinks he's got her)
Well, I know we both know a lot about Superman, but I think that this is
one issue I'm fairly confident about. Why else would his Earth parents have
sewed a big "S" for "Superman" on his chest.
Jerry draws an "S" in the air.
LANA
(drawing an "S" also)
The "S" is his family seal and it was already on his baby blanket
when he landed, and inscribed in to the capsule that brought.
JERRY
It's for Superman.
LANA
(getting annoyed that Jerry's being so difficult)
Family seal.
JERRY
Superman!
LANA
Family seal!
Jerry, frustrated and unable to retort, decides to revert to his break-up
speech from earlier that day.
JERRY
(as if reciting)
Lana, when we first met I found you fascinating and delightful, but I've
come to feel that there's a lack on common interest that's caused our relationship
to wane. Lana, I think we should stop seeing each other for a while and
see if we miss what we had.
Both are surprised that he blurted out that monologue that way.
LANA
Well, if that's the way you feel, goodbye, Jerry.
JERRY
Goodbye, Lana.
As Jerry walks down the street passersby are looking up.
PASSERBY 1
Look! Up in the sky.
PASSERBY 2
It's a bird!
PASSERBY 3
It's a plane!
PASSERBY 4
It's an inflatable boat!
Fade to black
13 INT. STATE FOOD AND BEVERAGE CONTROL OFFICE
George is standing across the counter from a clerk.
GEORGE
Your department oversees standards for restaurants, right? Well, what is
the regulation that automatically gives straws to the people who order sodas
but not to the people who order tea? This is the situation everywhere I
go and, in my mind, this is now a fair way to regulate this business.
14 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE STATE OFFICE
A uniform security guard is ushering George out. He turns to the closed
door and begins to preach
GEORGE
You think you can just stand by and allow this to go on without doing anything?
That is a conspiracy, my friends. A conspiracy. Buy hear me now. I will
see equality. I will see everyone served the same
(getting an an idea)
Wait a minute From now on, no soda served at Yankee with be served with
a straw! If I can't have my straw automatically, no one can! The tea people
and soda people can enjoy their beverages in equality.
George turns back to the office
GEORGE
I'm gonna bring you and your conspiracy down!
EPILOGUE INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Newman is sitting in shadows on his sofa. A female figure enters with her
back to the camera.
NEWMAN
Well, how has distribution gone this week?
ADRIAN
It was a very good week. I passed out sixty-four that I'm sure will be used.
One guy asked me for it as his way of flirting with me. He tried to make
me believe he was a programmer.
They chuckle.
NEWMAN
Fools.
He hands her an envelope.
NEWMAN
Adrian, you do excellent work, my dear. Excellent.
c copyright 1996, Sid Berger
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